Archive for the 'stream of conciousness' Category


stream of consciousness.

the world is heavy these days. like lungs trying to draw breath from humid air. that’s how my heart feels trying to take in life. or worse, the feeling of trying to breathe through a wet blanket. not the hard parts of life mind you, not a death, or a divorce, or an illness. it is normal things that feel so heavy, as they often do for me. it is the waking, the driving, the eating, the everyday things. that tiresome, oppressive tightness in my chest. like my insides are overstuffed. no space inside. no freedom. like everyone else is walking on solid ground, but i am running on a people mover going the wrong way. it takes so much energy to take out the trash, to say hello, to do the dishes, to cut my hair, to iron clothes. it seems so effortless to everyone else. what’s wrong with me? i want to be normal. a regularly functioning adult. loneliness. despair. too heavy for everyone. too angry for everyone. i’m an anchor. dead weight. tired of pretending its ok. tired of smiling and offering a laugh to make everyone feel better. no one asked me to do that. i just don’t want to be alone. lightness has always been the price of admission. i’ve never been light though. i’m difficult and exasperating. do i have to learn to be easy? i’ve been trying for so long to learn to be easy. can i be difficult and still be held? can i be unreasonable and still find embrace? can i talk too loud and still be heard? can i get too passionate and still be enjoyable? can i be insensitive and graceless and still be forgiven? can i really write a stream of thoughts and publish them without reading them over to be sure it is safe? can i give myself permission to be boring? i want to be funny and winsome and charming. didn’t i use to be funny and winsome and charming once? so intimidated by their talent. did i have to be so inferior and so fucking tired all the time? i just want to be normal. regular. i want to see how fast i can run when i’m on solid ground too. i don’t want to do the searching anymore. i want to be found. i don’t want to draw a map anymore. don’t want to give detailed directions. i want to hear whispers, ‘scott, i see you.’ ‘it’s ok.’ ‘i’ve got you.’ ‘i’m here.’

so tired. so lonely. so heavy. no more words. for now.


i love cheap movies and flickchart.

I love Blockbuster’s model for getting rid of previously viewed DVD’s! To walk in and lovingly peruse the tables of 3 for $20 and 4 for $20 is a wonderful thing. Since our plan is to eventually upgrade to BluRay (Emily has been surprisingly interested lately in a PlayStation 3) we have stopped buying new DVDs, but when you can grab a few previously viewed flicks for $5-$7 each, it is too good to pass up. Today, our haul consisted of The Dark Knight, The Wrestler, Role Models, Seven Pounds, Quantum of Solace, and JCVD. To add films like TDK and The Wrestler to our collection so affordably is a wonderful thing, thanks Blockbuster!

Also, speaking of movies, I am addicted to It’s a site that ranks movies, showing you a list of your favorite movies, as well as a cumulative ranking based on the favorites of everyone who uses flickchart. What they do is simply display two movies at a time, and you pick which one you like the most, then repeat the process again and again. The more times you pick, the more accurate your list becomes. The site is still Beta, so there are definite weaknesses, two examples are the fact that many movies are still missing and the fact that it is difficult to find other users you might know on the site since there is no search feature for users. However, those are easy to fix, and I am sure it will happen in due time. At the moment, you have to get an invite to join… that is unless you go here and click on the link at the bottom of the story to bypass said invitation process. The site is a total timesink, and I love it!

My latest Tweet

  • Being behind the stick at a crowded bar when “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” plays is one of my favorite parts of being a bartender. 1 week ago