the world is heavy these days. like lungs trying to draw breath from humid air. that’s how my heart feels trying to take in life. or worse, the feeling of trying to breathe through a wet blanket. not the hard parts of life mind you, not a death, or a divorce, or an illness. it is normal things that feel so heavy, as they often do for me. it is the waking, the driving, the eating, the everyday things. that tiresome, oppressive tightness in my chest. like my insides are overstuffed. no space inside. no freedom. like everyone else is walking on solid ground, but i am running on a people mover going the wrong way. it takes so much energy to take out the trash, to say hello, to do the dishes, to cut my hair, to iron clothes. it seems so effortless to everyone else. what’s wrong with me? i want to be normal. a regularly functioning adult. loneliness. despair. too heavy for everyone. too angry for everyone. i’m an anchor. dead weight. tired of pretending its ok. tired of smiling and offering a laugh to make everyone feel better. no one asked me to do that. i just don’t want to be alone. lightness has always been the price of admission. i’ve never been light though. i’m difficult and exasperating. do i have to learn to be easy? i’ve been trying for so long to learn to be easy. can i be difficult and still be held? can i be unreasonable and still find embrace? can i talk too loud and still be heard? can i get too passionate and still be enjoyable? can i be insensitive and graceless and still be forgiven? can i really write a stream of thoughts and publish them without reading them over to be sure it is safe? can i give myself permission to be boring? i want to be funny and winsome and charming. didn’t i use to be funny and winsome and charming once? so intimidated by their talent. did i have to be so inferior and so fucking tired all the time? i just want to be normal. regular. i want to see how fast i can run when i’m on solid ground too. i don’t want to do the searching anymore. i want to be found. i don’t want to draw a map anymore. don’t want to give detailed directions. i want to hear whispers, ‘scott, i see you.’ ‘it’s ok.’ ‘i’ve got you.’ ‘i’m here.’
so tired. so lonely. so heavy. no more words. for now.